my cambodian story

3 God mothers, an auntie and a niece

2008-12-01T02:25:00.000-08:00

Good catch by my dad!

2008-12-01T01:13:00.000-08:00

Back home

2008-10-05T06:21:00.000-07:00

So its been a GOOD 6 months since i last blogged.... what to say - robberies that cost me more than $5000 then general problems - and my beautiful orphans plus the children i teach as well as a selfishness or an unselfishness to not want to share me bitterness with the rest of the world when i am surrounded every day by those 100000 X worse off than me....

But after 4 months of health problems and being diagnosed and treated with everything from gout to DVT to parasites and dengi fever i decided after i could not get out of bed for a week it was time to go home - the tests they wanted to do could not be done in Phnom Penh and in Bangkok or Saigon they would cost over $800 so it was worth it to buy the plane ticket back here to "paradise". The people here are the same and have no idea what poverty is.... some in the nicest way saying that the $20 they give to my organization per month is nothing - not knowing just how much we NEED that $20 and that the $20 feeds 8 children for 1 week.... then there are those that cannot give cause you know - the stock market is not doing so well!!!??? yet they still afford all of life's extras... how to explain that we are not after big money

good news is there is hope and i hope to have more news regarding fundraising for our now 15 orphans as well as my health!!! will update soon!

Parachutes

2008-04-14T23:18:00.000-07:00

I have recently developed an irrational fear of two things - hotels and long plane flights. Irrational fear is nothing new to me but these two things were once my passion, my indulgence, my escape. I have in the past been lucky enough to experience staying in the Park Hyatt in Tokyo, the Ritz Carlton and some of the cheapest dive hotels in Hollywood and Asia. I was once so proud of the ability to travel through time zones and climate changes with absolutely no effect.

Now the thought of an airplane flight is tedious - no matter how short and hotels make me shiver with the cold heartlessness within them, the feeling "i am alone" is echoed in the sanitized rooms and their streamlined brand styles.

Because of these feelings i chose to travel to Bangkok by land and was lucky enough to have a friends apartment to stay in, this is not just a beautiful friend but an artist. To be surrounded by her work and inspirations is a dream come true and though there are lovely boutique hotels i think nothing compares to a home and style built personally, not designed for the comfort of others but out of love. I am happy to have this time-out here to gather my thoughts and read, write, watch DVD's, listen to music and think. I am lucky to have such inspirational friends.

2008-04-10T22:44:00.000-07:00

This morning I went to school to find all of my students wearing plain clothes and ordering take away pizza, ok it is Khmer New Year but was this allowed? I went to the school office and no-one was there, I assumed it must be Khmer New Year for them as well and went back to class. I thought it was odd that Sibbon did not arrive though and also wondered why they didn't just make it a holiday.

About an hour later Sibbon showed up, there had been a fire.

The Khmer wages at the school are low so many of the staff live together in wood houses near Boeung Kamphloak Lake. Sibbon told me that this morning there had been a fight at the brothel near their home and a girl started a fire. The fire department was called and a fireman came but a gun was pointed at his head so he quickly left the area and the other people (including my friends) were too scared to do anything.

This was at 5am this morning, now 7 hours later more than 60 homes have been destroyed and the fire continues to burn.

Sadly it won't be such a great New Year for everyone.

Home Sweet Home...

2008-03-27T02:16:00.000-07:00

London visit / Into The Wild

2008-03-26T02:24:00.001-07:00

was on a plane to London and thinking of how much seething I may feel in my visit. I knew this must be over come lightly but I find it so hard to "pupallapup" or "bullshit" with western society. It usually makes me sick, more so than the dark side of Cambodia, more than having a gun pointed at me as a joke by an uneducated poorly paid policeman who has no idea why he is closing the streets surrounding Toel Sleng Museum. I could not cope with the thought of the frivolous conversations I would overhear and participate in, in the west. I was on the verge of a panic attack.By chance on the plane I saw the film playing on the main screen, "Into The Wild", I had no intention of watching anything and I was sad that I was recently robbed for the 2nd or 3rd time in Cambodia, this time drugged, my personal belongings searched and my irreplaceable I pod was stolen. Music means a lot to me and I had none for the 12-hour flight. I saw as I glanced to the main screen that all songs from "Into The Wild" were written by Eddie Vedder, a teenage favorite of mine and I thought to put down my book "Cambodia, year Zero" (I have read and watched everything about Cambodia but still "everything" is a literal word so I was reading this book to make sure I could honestly say "everything"). Putting the book down helped me prepare for my return to the west and my beloved and hated London. In the film the main character, Alex, is using the hate he feels inside and transferring it to give love and hope to others. That's something that's fine and easy to do in Cambodia but in the UK? Then I thought this film is set in the U.S.A. a place I have found more self-centered and shallow than any other country I have lived. There must be those like Alex in London, they may have taken a different route but their heart is the same. I need to view all people as him and find those few that give a shit about life outside their own morals, value's and cultural ideas on polite and acceptable behavior, those that are willing and wanting to help others with out any need for praise, thank you's or formal credit.My return from London was surreal, I loved and hated my visit as I had already predicted but I was shocked by the result of my expectations, which were not that great, and not as I had predicted. Those I thought would come through did so more out of obligation than anything else and those I thought would be full of "pupallapup" had more energy and acceptance than I could believe was true, but it was! I was also amazed by my own emotional reaction to the ability people to completely remove themselves from their immediate environment. This is something that I have tried but never succeeded in doing, and also something I have seen many times in many countries so why was I so taken back and affected? This I do not know but will be sure to write again if I ever see reason.Future visits to London seem to be on the cards again from an unexpected source that shares my dream of connecting the UK and Cambodia. This I am already preparing for, my dreams of walking London streets again are paralleled with the harshness and expectations of English society and the indifference of the people in it. To quote Eddie Vedder "How much difference does it make?" If it makes any, then it is something I am willing to work for.In conclusion, the film "Into The Wild" I will watch again and recommend it to others as a beautiful journey of a young man in search of humanity in such a false country. He takes a brave and honest search amongst his own people to find trust and love without needing to leave or let go of western values. Simply put "he rocks".

Bad Day / Beautiful People

2008-03-20T21:34:00.000-07:00

So I have been going through a bad time lately, like we all do - work stress, relationship failure, juggling money from one account to another and a general feeling of being lost and questioning my whole existence. Thoughts fly through my head. What am I doing here? Why am I doing this? Why did that have to happen? Will things ever change? Why am I so fat and ugly? Am I a bad person? Have I gone completely mad? And then like an old friend self-destruction creeps in. This morning I decided not to go to work; I have been waiting almost two weeks for a desk and computer so what’s the point of going if I cannot do my job anyway? I spent the morning looking at other possibilities, thinking of working at a rich school that offers more money near my home, looking at plane tickets to Australia. It was 11:30am when I realized I was late for Eva Mysliwiec’s event so I ran downstairs and hopped on a moto-dop trying ever so hard to find a positive thought to think before I met a woman I have admired for such a long time. After briefly meeting Eva I decided I should go to work/school, I directed my moto man and also apologized for being so irritable. We turned a corner and my phone flew out of my pocket and was crushed by traffic on a busy road. Why oh why am I in this screwed up country? I decided to let it all go and rushed into work with one thought on my mind, it’s Akar’s birthday today.

Akara was born just before Pol Pot time and he and his family suffered severely under the regime, he is lucky to be here today and is also one of the lucky Cambodians that made it to the Thai refugee camps and then on to America. He was inspired to return to Cambodia by Angelina Jolie two years ago. After a quick birthday greeting he asked how I was. I explained I was not so good and was booking a trip to Australia for a couple of months to lay by the beach and do and think nothing. He said I could just go to Sihanoukville, I said that in Sihanoukville I will not be paid for laying by the beach doing nothing, in Australia I will. It was lunchtime and he kindly invited me for a coffee to talk. I was so thankful to talk with Akara as I know he went through the same thing a several months ago after the police threw him in jail and confiscated his car for trying to help a man injured from a road accident. He then turned to alcohol and gambling for a short time and lost everything he had saved. He is one of the few people I truly respect and relate to. Like me he is not quite Khmer but not western either. He talked about the situation in Cambodia, how I had found myself fighting against the corrupt elite and helpless. He was in the same position when he first came, earning a Cambodian salary to pay foreign debts, helping and then discovering that the help was going elsewhere no matter how directly it was given. He explained that the reason he never visits the orphanage I volunteer for is that once he looks into the eyes of the children he won’t be able to ignore what seems an almost impossible position. Sadly I have looked into their eyes and cannot ignore it but just hearing that was so comforting, I am not alone. We also talked about how much we were in sink in our choices, emotionally and financially. We both have not much money ourselves living like we do but we also know that if we were willing to comprimise our goals and country of choice money would be handed to us on a platter, but for some reason we cannot. Saying that the daily battles and thoughts that we could easily be in our family’s mansion sipping cocktails by the pool is constant, but that would mean saying good-bye to Cambodia. Akara calmed me and made me see a way through this as opposed to a way out. I am truly honored to have such a wonderful friend.

After returning to work I checked my email and amongst the usual hassles, updates and questions there was a beautiful message from an old and dear, dear friend, Karen. I must say, Karen, I am jealous too. Not a day passes that I don’t ask myself why I do not opt for security instead of living how I do. I am split between wishing I were near you and wishing you were near me. You are more than an inspiration, you do more than that – you encourage me to keep going.

My day was then topped off by a lovely message on my facebook wall from one of my favorite writers Loung Ung! Please know Loung that you have made a big difference in someone’s life, someone that was tempted to give up and see only the negative side of such a diverse and beautiful country. A very big thank you to Akara, Karen and Loung. Because of you I am happy to believe, in people, again.

Seams Of Change

2008-03-15T04:21:00.000-07:00

A wonderful book looking at the history of clothing and the care of self in Cambodia in the 19th and 20th centuries. Interviewing elderly people, documenting their memories of clothing and how they took care of themselves, the French influence and the Khmer traditional styles that were lost during Pol Pot time.

2008-03-15T03:59:00.000-07:00

These are pictures documenting the Tube Shirt and its origins. Two elderly ladies, Mirch and her neighbor remake the the clothes they remember wearing whilst working in the fields as young girls.

Sausaging - Cambodian Style

2008-03-13T02:21:00.000-07:00

2008-03-13T02:06:00.000-07:00

Last October some friends of a friend visited Cambodia. They were 2 doctors and were interested in the hospital system in Cambodia. I told them of my own personal experience in Mekong Phnom Penh Clinic, a hospital near my home where I was taken to treat a bad open wound on my hip after being ripped of the back of a moto dop. I was put in a small room with about ten other people and no air conditioning, there was only a squat toilet and due to my injury I was unable to squat. The staff did not speak English so communication was an issue. I was left there until my driver came the next morning. His sister came and asked for a towel so she could wash the wound, they did not have any. This experience cost me $200 and the doctor working there advised me that I would need to have stitches. After spending $200 for 12 hours in the Mekong Phnom Penh Clinic I had no money left and explained this to the doctor, he then said I was fine to go home and did not need any more treatment. The wound got infected and thanks to the advice and help of a friend I visited Naga clinic where I was treated by the wonderful Dr Pauv and we immediately became good friends. The 2 doctors visiting were interested in meeting Dr Pauv so I gave them his details. They reported back to me that he took them to a “free” hospital and that the free hospital had very modern equipment. Thinking of the experience I had in a private hospital I found this amazing and when a child was ill at the orphanage I volunteer for I immediately called my friend Dr Pauv to ask if there was any chance he could be admitted into the free hospital. Dr Pouv was sorry to inform me that unfortunately the free hospital does not accept children. Yesterday I received the following text message from a friend:

Sokla at hospital, he’s been complaining of severe stomach pain. They did sonar. He has appendicitis. Must have it out. $500. Help.

Sokla is a tuk-tuk driver whose salary is $100 per month; I have lent more than $3000 here and have bills to pay myself. I call Doctor Pouv, he tells me that the free hospital is not quite free, it will cost Sokla $130 and the conditions of the operating theatre are far from good. So much for a free hospital. Sokla’s operation was paid for with money from Jane, Mr. No Hair who was visiting from Germany and me. I guess nothing free actually is but it does make me think how many people come to Cambodia and see only what they want to see.

Raoul Marc Jennar

2008-03-09T23:19:00.000-07:00

Today I was lucky enough to spend the morning with the amazing, author, historian, Oxfam researcher and now an advisor to Hun Sen, Mr. Raoul Marc Jennar. Raoul first came to Cambodia in 1988 working undercover for the Belgian Government. Today he spends 6 months in Cambodia and 6 months in his home in France which is part of a castle from the 12th century filled with treasures he has collected from his travels around the world and over 800 books on Cambodia. He talked a lot about his first trip here, driving to Phnom Penh from Ho Chi Minh. He said he was amazed that the city had not changed at all since Pol Pot came to power and evacuated Phnom Penh in 1975. Cars remained on the side of the road that had not been driven for over 12 years and army barracks still lined the river front. He also talked about how much the government had changed, when he first came the people in the government were humble, Hun Sen used to get around on a bicycle and many Government officials lived in simple wood houses. I asked what he thought of Hun Sen today and he said that – “Hun Sen has become a very good student of Margaret Thatcher.” He also said that Hun Sen “Is an angel compared to Sihanouk”.

2008-03-09T03:45:00.000-07:00

So i have started a blog about my day to day life in Cambodia. It would be nice to start with a little bit of history and information of when i came, why i came and what i am doing here but if i but if i do that the blog will not get started, today will become tomorrow and it will all become history. So i have decided just to go with now, today.